170. I tried to explain to my teenager that life isn’t fair. He said, “Yeah, no shit, Dad. That’s why I live in your basement.”
171. My wife and I have a system: she handles the big decisions, I handle the small ones. So far there have been no big decisions.
172. I reached the age where my idea of a wild night is not setting a bedtime alarm.
173. My doctor told me to break a sweat every day. So I blocked my ex on social media.
174. I don’t need an alarm clock. My regrets wake me up at 3 a.m. sharp.
175. The older I get, the more I understand why dogs look so happy when they’re left alone.
